The Onion

White House Urges Kamala Harris To Sit At Computer All Day In Case Emails Come Through

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WASHINGTON—Appointing her to lead what they described as an absolutely essential initiative, top White House officials reportedly selected Vice President Kamala Harris to sit at a computer throughout regular working hours Friday in case any new emails came through. “This is a really important job, Madam Vice…

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The Onion

Executives Urge Boycott Of Kellogg’s After CEO Receives Insulting Salary Offer Of $11 Million A Year

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

BATTLE CREEK, MI—Flooding social media with posts encouraging consumers to take action, executives reportedly urged a boycott of Kellogg’s Thursday after CEO Steve Cahillane received an insulting salary offer of just $11 million a year. “We’re calling on everyone to hold the line and not purchase any Kellogg’s… Read more from the Onion
The Onion

Man’s Natural Instinct To Fear The Unfamiliar Overcome By Promise Of ‘Great Barbecue Taste’

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

VERNON, NJ—As he stepped cautiously toward the strange new colors on the supermarket shelf, local man Chuck Atkinson’s natural instinct to fear the unfamiliar was reportedly overcome Monday by a condiment’s promise of “great barbecue taste.” Witnesses said Atkinson first froze in place at the sight of the curious… Read more from the Onion
The Onion

Family Saving Time This Thanksgiving By Making Oak Dining Table Day Before

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

WALDORF, MD—Vowing not to repeat the same mistakes of years past, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Stanchfield family was saving time this Thanksgiving by making their oak dining table the day before. “Grandma insists it’s better fresh, but making everything ahead this year is going to save a whole lot of stress,”… Read more from…

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