WASHINGTON—Huffing and puffing as he sprinted in over 30 minutes late to his 8 a.m. morning meeting, Tucker Carlson told coworkers he was late to work Monday because he got held up being murdered by hordes of violent minorities again. “Hello everyone, I know I’m late, I would have been here on time if I hadn’t just…
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Man’s Natural Instinct To Fear The Unfamiliar Overcome By Promise Of ‘Great Barbecue Taste’
VERNON, NJ—As he stepped cautiously toward the strange new colors on the supermarket shelf, local man Chuck Atkinson’s natural instinct to fear the unfamiliar was reportedly overcome Monday by a condiment’s promise of “great barbecue taste.” Witnesses said Atkinson first froze in place at the sight of the curious… Read more from the Onion
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Chicago City Workers Clear Ice By Pouring Hot Beef Drippings Onto Roads
CHICAGO—Using the rendered animal fat to limit the impact of winter weather, Chicago city workers reportedly cleared ice Friday by pouring hot beef drippings onto roads. “In order to ensure residents can safely commute around the city, we are working around the clock to clear streets of ice and snow by coating them… Read more…