The Onion

Star High School Quarterback Blissfully Unaware He’ll Be Jets Starter 4 Years From Now

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BEND, OR—As he excitedly slapped a teammate on the back after delivering a pinpoint 30-yard throw in practice, sources confirmed Wednesday that local star quarterback Cole Rabuck was blissfully unaware he would be the New York Jets’ starter four years from now. “He goes out there every day, he’s got a great arm, and…

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The Onion

London Cab Drivers’ Brains Being Studied For Alzheimer’s Research

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

Alzheimer’s researchers are studying the brains of London cab drivers, who have to memorize 25,000 streets and landmarks, after MRI scans show that the parts of their brain that handle memory grew over time. What do you think? Read more from the Onion
The Onion

Bank Hostages Whining As If They Not Getting Whole Day Off Work

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

NEW YORK—Refusing to maintain a good attitude and make the most of the situation, hostages at a midtown branch of People’s United Bank reportedly spent Wednesday whining as if they weren’t getting the whole day off work. “Jeez, I understand that getting tied up and thrown in the vault might be a little annoying,… Read…
The Onion

Be Cool, For Once, Gamers: Mrs. Thompson Said We Might Get to Play ‘Minecraft’ If We Finish The Quiz By 11:45

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

Look, gamers, we hate social studies quizzes as much as the next guy, but it would be in all of our best interests if we just kept our heads down and got it done as soon as possible. Why, you ask? Were you even listening? Mrs. Thompson said we might get to play Minecraft if…

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