The Onion

Somewhat Athletic Couple Gives Birth To Potential Division III Lacrosse Player

SPARTANBURG, SC—Friends and relatives were reportedly making predictions about the new baby’s sporting prospects Thursday after a somewhat athletic couple gave birth to a potential Division III lacrosse player. “Man, knowing who his parents are, Callum could be in the 60th, 65th percentile in terms of raw speed, and I…

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