The Onion

Somewhat Athletic Couple Gives Birth To Potential Division III Lacrosse Player

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SPARTANBURG, SC—Friends and relatives were reportedly making predictions about the new baby’s sporting prospects Thursday after a somewhat athletic couple gave birth to a potential Division III lacrosse player. “Man, knowing who his parents are, Callum could be in the 60th, 65th percentile in terms of raw speed, and I…

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CES Presenter Strangled By Tree Root As Nature Begins Revolt Against Technological Domination

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

WINCHESTER, NV—In a turn of events that sent attendees and tech reporters fleeing in terror, sources confirmed Consumer Electronics Show presenter Adam Pawlak was strangled to death by a tree root Friday as nature revolted against 10,000 years of human technological domination. Witnesses confirmed that Pawlak had … Read more from the Onion
The Onion

NFL Expands Super Bowl To Include 2 Additional Teams

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

NEW YORK—Following up on the momentum generated by expanding both the regular season and the playoff field, the NFL announced Friday that it would be expanding this year’s Super Bowl to include two additional teams. “We think that bringing more teams and fandoms into the playoffs this year has been a huge success,… Read more…
The Onion

Evil Thoughts Every Parent Has Had At Some Point

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

It’s fine to have these thoughts as long as you never act on them. Read more from the Onion

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