The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.
Read more from the Onion
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Throwing the flag during the annual Army-Navy game after the clearing smoke revealed an obvious illegal hit, Army’s football team received a 15-yard penalty Saturday for drone-striking the kicker. “I don’t know what Army was thinking there—you’re not allowed to drone-strike a defenseless player,”… Read more from the Onion
NEW YORK—Refusing to maintain a good attitude and make the most of the situation, hostages at a midtown branch of People’s United Bank reportedly spent Wednesday whining as if they weren’t getting the whole day off work. “Jeez, I understand that getting tied up and thrown in the vault might be a little annoying,… Read…
AUSTIN, TX—Calling it a terrible tragedy that could and should have easily been avoided, investigators slammed SpaceX Thursday after an autonomous rocket veered off course and struck a pedestrian. “At approximately 11 a.m. CST, a SpaceX Falcon9 rocket launched itself into traffic at 17,000 mph, hitting and… Read more from the Onion