The Onion

Party Evacuated Following Reports Of Host Assembling Some Sort Of Activity

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DENVER—Still feeling shaken from their narrow escape, a local party was evacuated Friday following numerous reports of the host assembling some sort of activity. “He started directing everyone toward the living room, and that’s when I knew I needed to get out of there fast as I could,” said 29-year-old Christopher…

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The Onion

Incompetent Film Director Totally Obscures Face Of Person Committing Murder

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

NORTHBROOK, IL—Frustrated by the obvious lack of cinematic skill, viewers of the film The Darkest Kiss were reportedly disappointed Wednesday that the director’s incompetence had led him to completely obscure the face of the person committing the murder. “We get to this pivotal scene, but the camera is placed behind… Read more from the Onion
The Onion

Biden To Release 5-Gallon Plastic Can Of Gas From U.S. Oil Reserves

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

WASHINGTON—In an effort to stabilize rising fuel prices, President Joe Biden announced Wednesday he would order the Energy Department to release a five-gallon plastic can of gasoline from the nation’s Strategic Petroleum Reserves. “By tapping this emergency stockpile, we can ensure that if the American people run out… Read more from the Onion
The Onion

Fact Sheet: Curing Your Covid-19 With Urine

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

Christopher Key, the leader of the “Vaccine Police” organization that opposes Covid-19 vaccinations, recently shared that drinking urine could cure coronavirus. As the world’s leading nonpartisan news source, The Onion strives to give our readers the facts and let them decide what is true. Here’s a fact sheet… Read more from the Onion

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