Most Offensive Things You Can Say To Someone Who Doesn’t Celebrate Christmas

‘Testicle Bath’ Birth Control Device Wins Dyson Award

A German inventor’s ultrasound “testicle bath,” a birth control device that temporarily stops sperm mobility for several months, has won the James Dyson Award, which is given out annually to designers of new problem-solving ideas. What do you think? Read more from the Onion

Gwyneth Paltrow Touts New Diamond-Encrusted Trepanation Drill, Drainage Bucket On Website

LOS ANGELES—Touting the tool’s ability to bore through several layers of skull in order to balance the body’s unknowable ethers, Gwyneth Paltrow introduced a new diamond-encrusted trepanation drill and drainage bucket on her website, sources confirmed Friday. “With just a few cranks, this elegant, stainless steel… Read more from the Onion

Netflix Exhausts Holiday Movie Lineup With ‘A Very Christmas Scimitar’

The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source. Read more from the Onion