The Onion

Lakers Fans Frustrated With Volatile Hot Dog Prices In Crypto.Com Arena

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LOS ANGELES—Numerous arguments had reportedly broken out in the concession areas Wednesday among Lakers fans frustrated with the volatile hot dog prices in the newly christened Crypto.com Arena. “This is bullshit, I was here 30 minutes ago and bought an $8 hot dog, and now I’m back and a single hot dog costs $16,000,”…

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The Onion

Despondent Buffalo Fan Wonders If Day Will Ever Come When He Too Blackout Drunk To Remember Bills Super Bowl Victory

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

EAST AURORA, NY—Lamenting that he may never get a chance to miss the greatest day of his life, local Buffalo Bills fan Mark Padula was reportedly despondent Thursday as he wondered if a day would ever come when he would be too blackout drunk to remember a Bills victory in the Super Bowl. “I’ve been…
The Onion

Virginia Motorists Stuck On I-95 For Harrowing 24 Hours

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

A snowstorm stranded Virginia motorists on Interstate 95 for more than 24 hours, forcing hundreds to spend the night in their cars amid freezing temperatures, some with little to no food or water. What do you think? Read more from the Onion
The Onion

Bounty Scientists Scream As Experimental Paper Towel Absorbs Entire Lab

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

CINCINNATI—In a horrifying accident that is said to have resulted from obsessive and irresponsible attempts to develop a product with the thickest quilting possible, multiple scientists at paper towel manufacturer Bounty reportedly died screaming Friday after an experimental prototype absorbed their entire lab. “My… Read more from the Onion

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