The Onion

Journalist Worried He’s Becoming The Story In His Sponsored Air Purifier Review

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NEW YORK—Struggling to remain detached from his subject matter, local journalist James Malvern was reportedly worried Tuesday that he was becoming the story in his sponsored air purifier review. “While I set out to write a simple recommendation of the Air Fine 2700 to our readers, I couldn’t help but start…

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The Onion

Andrew Yang Developing New Fourth Party After Failing To Gain Support With Third Party

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

RIVER VALE, NJ—Calling for an end to the partisan squabbling that had long held the nation hostage, politician and entrepreneur Andrew Yang told reporters Thursday that he was building a new fourth party after failing to gain traction with his recently founded Forward Party. “This country is moving too far left, too… Read more from…
The Onion

‘It Would Be So Easy,’ Think 79% Of People Holding Ladders For Loved Ones Putting Up Christmas Lights

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

PITTSBURGH—Unable to resist thinking about the rare opportunity that lay before them, 79% of Americans holding ladders while a loved one put up Christmas lights reportedly took a moment Wednesday to consider just how easy it would be. “All it would take is one small push, and boom, it’s over, just like that,” thought… Read…
The Onion

Be Cool, For Once, Gamers: Mrs. Thompson Said We Might Get to Play ‘Minecraft’ If We Finish The Quiz By 11:45

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

Look, gamers, we hate social studies quizzes as much as the next guy, but it would be in all of our best interests if we just kept our heads down and got it done as soon as possible. Why, you ask? Were you even listening? Mrs. Thompson said we might get to play Minecraft if…

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