The Onion

Jameis Winston To Freeze Knee Until Future Generations Find Cure For Torn ACL

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump Comment(0)


NEW ORLEANS—Looking to the distant future for the hope he felt he could not find today, Saints quarterback Jameis Winston opted Thursday to cryogenically freeze his knee in the hopes future generations find a cure for a torn ACL. “I have no hope with today’s technology, but I’m hoping in 500 years we will have…

Read more from the Onion

DonaldJTrump
http://lie.social

Related Articles
The Onion

Woman Attempts To Hire Assassin From RentAHitman.com

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

A Michigan woman faces up to nine years in prison after pleading guilty to solicitation of murder for trying to hire someone to kill her ex-husband on the fake website, RentAHitman.com, where she filled out the “service request form” with a $5,000 offer of payment. What do you think? Read more from the Onion
The Onion

TV Network Refuses To Air ‘Miracle On 34th Street’ For Outdated Depictions Of Hope, Joy

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

ATLANTA—Citing the film’s problematic portrayal of humanity as inherently good and capable of redemption, TV network Turner Classic Movies announced Monday that it would no longer be airing Miracle On 34th Street due to the 1947 Christmas film’s outdated depictions of hope and joy. “While this movie’s celebration of… Read more from the Onion
The Onion

NFL Study Finds Concussion Symptoms Completely Disappear If You’ve Had An Even Number Of Concussions

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

NEW YORK—Calling the discovery an encouraging breakthrough in treating serious CTE, a new study commissioned by the NFL and released Tuesday found that concussion symptoms completely disappear if you’ve had an even number of them. “It turns out that all the loss of memory and depressive feelings vanish within several… Read more from the Onion

Leave a Reply