The Onion

‘It Would Be So Easy,’ Think 79% Of People Holding Ladders For Loved Ones Putting Up Christmas Lights

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PITTSBURGH—Unable to resist thinking about the rare opportunity that lay before them, 79% of Americans holding ladders while a loved one put up Christmas lights reportedly took a moment Wednesday to consider just how easy it would be. “All it would take is one small push, and boom, it’s over, just like that,” thought…

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The Onion

Dad Doesn’t Approve Of Direction Mall Headed In

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

DANVERS, MA—Confirming his disapproval of the shopping plaza’s trajectory, local dad Mark Sipes reportedly expressed concerns Thursday about the direction the Liberty Tree Mall was headed in. “Five, 10 years ago, it was one of the better shopping centers in the area, but these days, it’s all just dollar stores and… Read more from the…
The Onion

U.S. Democracy Under Siege After Tech Lobbyist Invites Some Senators To Dinner

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

WASHINGTON—In what both ordinary citizens and experts agreed was a threat to the nation’s political system, American democracy reportedly came under siege Thursday after a tech lobbyist invited some senators to dinner. “Rarely do we see such a brazen attack on our democratic values, and yet we could only watch in … Read more from…
The Onion

Be Cool, For Once, Gamers: Mrs. Thompson Said We Might Get to Play ‘Minecraft’ If We Finish The Quiz By 11:45

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

Look, gamers, we hate social studies quizzes as much as the next guy, but it would be in all of our best interests if we just kept our heads down and got it done as soon as possible. Why, you ask? Were you even listening? Mrs. Thompson said we might get to play Minecraft if…

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