The Onion

Homeowner’s Ring Security Alerts Now Just Texting News Stories About Black-On-Black Crime

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ELYRIA, OH—Silencing her phone in frustration after the day’s fourth unprompted alert, local homeowner Delia Reid confirmed Tuesday that her Ring home security camera was now just texting her news stories about Black-on-Black crime. “Nothing at my house has gone wrong at all, but I can’t go 20 minutes without getting…

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The Onion

Top Free Agents Of The MLB Offseason

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

Although not as funny as Gabriel Iglesias or as good of a singer as Enrique Iglesias, Raisel is the best option baseball wise if you’re choosing an Iglesias. Read more from the Onion
The Onion

Mitch McConnell Blocks Justice Stephen Breyer From Retiring

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

WASHINGTON—In a controversial political maneuver that sparked outrage from Democrats and their allies, sources confirmed Wednesday that Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had blocked Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer from retiring. “It is the Senate’s constitutional right to act as a check on Stephen Breyer,”… Read more from the Onion
The Onion

Office Workers Terrorized By Unhinged Ex-Employee Dropping In To Say Hi

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

PHOENIX—Describing the 15-minute incident as “a nightmare come to life,” local office workers at Martin Realty were reportedly terrorized Friday by an unhinged ex-employee dropping in to say hi. “We always knew he was a bit off by the way he’d say ‘good morning’ and ask about how our weekend was, but we never thought……

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