The Onion

Gwyneth Paltrow Touts New Diamond-Encrusted Trepanation Drill, Drainage Bucket On Website

LOS ANGELES—Touting the tool’s ability to bore through several layers of skull in order to balance the body’s unknowable ethers, Gwyneth Paltrow introduced a new diamond-encrusted trepanation drill and drainage bucket on her website, sources confirmed Friday. “With just a few cranks, this elegant, stainless steel…

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