The Onion

Fish Way Too High On OxyContin Runoff To Give A Shit About Species’ Inevitable Extinction


SEATTLE—In a highly euphoric state after consuming opioids that had traveled downstream from a wastewater treatment plant, a local fish confirmed Tuesday that he was too high on OxyContin runoff to give a shit about the inevitable extinction of his species. “Man, I am fucking blasted right now!” the 36-inch male…

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