Disney Acquires All Of America’s Children For $52 Billion

Nation Attempts To Fall Asleep By Doing Little Impression Of Sleeping

SAN FRANCISCO—Climbing into bed in hopes of getting a solid night’s rest for once, a tired, bleary-eyed nation announced Sunday night that it would now attempt to fall asleep by doing a little impression of sleeping. “All snuggled up and ready to sleep—here I go!” said 26-year-old Bay Area resident Daphne Halloway,… Read more from…

Lies Fitness Trainers Tell Their Clients All The Time

They haven’t, and they’re absolutely panicking inside about what the fuck to do with you. Read more from the Onion

Instagram Now Telling Users To Take A Break From Using App

Instagram has started offering “take a break” reminders if users have been scrolling on the social media app for too long, pinging people after 10, 20 or 30 minutes of scrolling to suggest that they switch activities. What do you think? Read more from the Onion