The Onion

Crypto-Averse Man Would Prefer Investing In Traditional Stock Market He Also Doesn’t Understand

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FORT WORTH, TX—Dismissing the technology as a flash in the pan and doomed to fail, cryptocurrency-averse man Tim Blankenship told reporters Friday that he would prefer investing in a traditional stock market that he also doesn’t understand. “Call me old-fashioned, but I’d much rather trust my life savings with a more…

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The Onion

The Onion’s Guide To Tea

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

Tea is the most popular beverage in the world after water, but learning about and enjoying tea can be intimidating to newcomers. The Onion offers a helpful guide to everything you need to know about tea. Read more from the Onion
The Onion

Pfizer Granted Emergency Use For Pill That Kills You Before Covid Can

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

WASHINGTON—Stressing that the “revolutionary treatment” could change the way we fight the novel coronavirus, drug manufacturer Pfizer was granted emergency use authorization Wednesday for a pill that kills you before Covid can. “After several months of testing, Pfizer has successfully created an oral medication… Read more from the Onion
The Onion

Study: Majority Of Panic Attacks Involve Anxiety Person Knows Well

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

BOSTON—In a major new study that examined the cases of more than 2,000 people of various ages and backgrounds, a paper published Friday in the Journal Of Behavioral Medicine found that the majority of panic attacks involved an anxiety the victim knew well. “In 92% of cases, sufferers were already acquainted with the… Read more…

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