The Onion

Congress Approves Empty Paper Towel Roll For NASA To Use As Telescope

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WASHINGTON—In a display of its ongoing commitment to the pursuit of scientific knowledge, Congress passed a measure Thursday approving the acquisition of an empty paper towel roll for NASA to use as a telescope. “Thanks to this generous act, our scientists will soon be able to cover up one eye, squint through a…

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The Onion

Ancient ‘Scepters’ Actually Drinking Straws For Communal Boozing, Say Researchers

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

New research shows that silver and gold tubes unearthed in an ancient tomb in southern Russia in 1897, long thought to be ceremonial staffs, were, in fact, the earliest-known drinking straws, used by people 5,000 years ago to sip beer from a communal jar. What do you think? Read more from the Onion
The Onion

Thanksgiving Guests Freeze In Disbelief After Teenager Informs Them Of Native American Genocide

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

SUDBURY, MA—Their forks clattering to the table mere moments after the 16-year-old’s sudden announcement, Thanksgiving guests at the Ross family dinner reportedly froze in disbelief Thursday after teenage son Ryan informed them of the genocide of Native Americans. “No, no, it can’t be! Not my precious holiday!” said… Read more from the Onion
The Onion

Kanye West Officially Changes Name To ‘Ye’

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

After requesting the name change last August for “personal reasons,” rapper, producer, and fashion designer Kanye West has legally changed his name from Kanye Omari West to just Ye, with no middle or last name. What do you think? Read more from the Onion

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