The Onion

Congress Approves Empty Paper Towel Roll For NASA To Use As Telescope

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WASHINGTON—In a display of its ongoing commitment to the pursuit of scientific knowledge, Congress passed a measure Thursday approving the acquisition of an empty paper towel roll for NASA to use as a telescope. “Thanks to this generous act, our scientists will soon be able to cover up one eye, squint through a…

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The Onion

Scottie Pippen Boasts He Would’ve Given Much Better Performance Than Jordan In ‘Space Jam’

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

LOS ANGELES—Attacking the Chicago Bulls legend for his “massively overrated” line reads, Scottie Pippen boasted Wednesday that he would have given a much better performance than Michael Jordan in Space Jam. “Look, he gets all this praise for a box office smash, but it was really the system around Jordan that elevated… Read more from…
The Onion

Hockey Team Apologizes For ‘Degrading’ Cash-Grab For Teachers

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

A South Dakota junior hockey team and mortgage lender are apologizing after organizing a widely panned event in which school teachers scrambled to grab dollar bills off the ice during a game’s intermission to pay for classroom supplies. What do you think? Read more from the Onion
The Onion

Boss Wouldn’t Be Such A Jerk If He Knew About Negative Depiction In Employee’s Unpublished Novel

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

BALTIMORE, MD—Assured that her superior would rue the day he treated his employees so rudely, local woman Amanda Lassen confirmed Monday that her boss, Doug Southerton, wouldn’t act like such a jerk if he only knew how he was depicted in her unpublished novel. “He [Southerton] thinks it’s fun to throw his weight… Read more…

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