The Onion

Biden To Release 5-Gallon Plastic Can Of Gas From U.S. Oil Reserves

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WASHINGTON—In an effort to stabilize rising fuel prices, President Joe Biden announced Wednesday he would order the Energy Department to release a five-gallon plastic can of gasoline from the nation’s Strategic Petroleum Reserves. “By tapping this emergency stockpile, we can ensure that if the American people run out…

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The Onion

Report: Catapult Industry Won’t Survive Another Year Without Medieval War Breaking Out

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

CASTELNAUD-LA-CHAPELLE, FRANCE—Noting a sharp decline in demand over the past five centuries, a new economic report released Friday revealed that the catapult industry would not survive another year unless a medieval war broke out sometime in the next 12 months. “According to our research, the catapult could be… Read more from the Onion
The Onion

Exhausted Rockefeller Center Staff Decide To Take It Easy And Go With 3-Foot Artificial LED Christmas Tree This Year

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

NEW YORK—Saying it had been a stressful year and they just wanted to keep their decorations low-key, burnt-out Rockefeller Center employees confirmed Wednesday they would take it easy this Christmas and opt for a 3-foot-tall artificial tree with pre-lit LEDs. “While going out and cutting down your own 70- or 80-foot… Read more from the…
The Onion

Homeowner Trying To Smoke Out Snakes Accidentally Burns Down House

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

A Maryland homeowner trying to get rid of a snake infestation accidentally burned their house to the ground, causing about $1 million in damages, with officials stating that the well-being of the snakes was still “undetermined.” What do you think? Read more from the Onion

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