The Onion

Archaeologists’ Discovery Of Skeleton From 2.7 Years Ago Sheds No New Light On Anything

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RIVERSIDE, CA—In a meaningless discovery of no consequence whatsoever, archaeologists at the University of California, Riverside, announced Friday that their recent excavation of skeletal remains belonging to a human who walked the earth 2.7 years ago shed absolutely no new light on anything. “After conducting…

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The Onion

Landlord Informs Tenants He Increasing Endless Economic Anxiety By $100

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

CHICAGO—Blaming the change on factors like inflation and steep city taxes that were out of his control, local landlord Joel Fischer reportedly informed his tenants Monday that he was increasing their endless economic anxiety by $100. “Hello, tenants, this notice is to inform you that the perpetual pit of dread you… Read more from the…
The Onion

Biden Pledges 500 Million Free Virus Tests To Counter Omicron

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

President Biden has announced that next month, the government will start mailing free at-home Covid test kits to any U.S. household that requests one to help stop the spread of the omicron variant. What do you think? Read more from the Onion
The Onion

Scottie Pippen Boasts He Would’ve Given Much Better Performance Than Jordan In ‘Space Jam’

Posted on Author DonaldJTrump

LOS ANGELES—Attacking the Chicago Bulls legend for his “massively overrated” line reads, Scottie Pippen boasted Wednesday that he would have given a much better performance than Michael Jordan in Space Jam. “Look, he gets all this praise for a box office smash, but it was really the system around Jordan that elevated… Read more from…

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