New research shows that silver and gold tubes unearthed in an ancient tomb in southern Russia in 1897, long thought to be ceremonial staffs, were, in fact, the earliest-known drinking straws, used by people 5,000 years ago to sip beer from a communal jar. What do you think?
Read more from the Onion
NEW ORLEANS—Looking to the distant future for the hope he felt he could not find today, Saints quarterback Jameis Winston opted Thursday to cryogenically freeze his knee in the hopes future generations find a cure for a torn ACL. “I have no hope with today’s technology, but I’m hoping in 500 years we will have……
WASHINGTON—Calling for the nation’s richest to pay their fair share, Democrats proposed a new wealth tax Monday that would target Americans with circular driveways. “Homeowners with circular driveways have gamed the system for far too long, leaving everyday hardworking Americans to park on straight driveways, and in… Read more from the Onion
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Throwing the flag during the annual Army-Navy game after the clearing smoke revealed an obvious illegal hit, Army’s football team received a 15-yard penalty Saturday for drone-striking the kicker. “I don’t know what Army was thinking there—you’re not allowed to drone-strike a defenseless player,”… Read more from the Onion