The Onion

Aging Stalker Not Sure How Many Good Years Of Crouching In Bushes He Has Left

ROCKFORD, IL—His joints cracking as he struggled to conceal himself amid the landscaping outside an area home, aging stalker Geoff Morton reported Monday that he wasn’t sure how many good years of crouching in bushes and peering through windows he had left. “I’d best enjoy this while I still can, because lately I get…

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