The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.
Read more from the Onion
Texas Bans Access To Tall Staircases In Case Women With Unwanted Pregnancies Get Any Ideas
AUSTIN, TX—Calling the move “an important step in protecting the unborn,” Texas lawmakers passed legislation Thursday banning residents’ access to tall staircases in an effort to prevent women with unwanted pregnancies from getting any ideas. “We are proud to affirm the sanctity of life with this bill prohibiting… Read more from the Onion
Be Cool, For Once, Gamers: Mrs. Thompson Said We Might Get to Play ‘Minecraft’ If We Finish The Quiz By 11:45
Look, gamers, we hate social studies quizzes as much as the next guy, but it would be in all of our best interests if we just kept our heads down and got it done as soon as possible. Why, you ask? Were you even listening? Mrs. Thompson said we might get to play Minecraft if…
Authorities Recruit Jared Fogle From Prison To Help Bring Down Horrifying New Subway Steak ‘Cali Fresh’ Sandwich
JEFFERSON COUNTY, CO—Tapping the convicted pedophile and former Subway spokesperson to aid in their efforts, authorities reportedly recruited Jared Fogle from prison Wednesday in order to help bring down the horrifying new Subway Steak “Cali Fresh” sandwich. “We know you’ve done some bad, bad shit in the past, but we… Read more from the Onion